| Part B |
|
|
| 12:36am 30/07/2008 |
| |
So I do believe that part B was in regard to the interior design style of most Tim Horton's franchises in the greater areas of Canada.
The old-fasioned Tim Horton's locations were comfortable, clean, and spotless white formica. A mug of coffee, with a tray perhaps if there was a muffin or croissant involved, and a smile with the service.
Today you are lucky if you don't get a hair (long, black, unwashed...?) in your lacklustre yogurt cup!
Remind me never to repeat that story...what a horrible experience!
The Tim Hortons of today requires patience, and lots of it. Perhaps it also requires a bit of naivete, and a skillful negotiation of tray vs. table.
More to come... |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| |
|
|
| 12:19am 30/07/2008 |
| |
Ok, so a logical order is in dire need!
First, must write about the state of my current friendships and how most of them are sadly lame to the point of apathetic expulsion on my part.
B.) Tim Hortons and their plastic chairs
C.) Am I really that boring?
D.) Finding a job, somewhere, anywhere.
E.) Girly things, ie: the rise of the vengeful tampons!
Alrighty, so, first things first, while items A and C tie in with one another, I feel the need to seperate them, because quite frankly they do own their own level of importance....
Ok, so I went out this evening to visit with some friends after much haggling of where-to-meet, what-to-do, indoors vs. outdoors and all this other bullshit and after all of that I am down nearly a quarter tank of gas, $1.50 for the tea and none the wiser for having had a girls "chat". Am I becoming a wanker or what? I simply cannot find any entertainment value in buying a tea, coffee, or what have you, and sitting around yammering about Dancing With the Stars and what the best carpet shampoo does for your rugs!
My life has become solely about.....myself. I feel selfish, but justified in doing so much right now for myself. (Jesus save yourself this entry is going to wax philosophical!)
Jon and I want to move away where we can both find teaching jobs, not something substantial but enough to live on....basically we just want to keep travelling, get out of Brampton and be happy.
Life is a constant journey, and there is no time for regrets. Carpe Diem, and all that jazz. |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| It's Baaaacccckkkk |
|
|
| 12:39pm 26/06/2008 |
| |
Here we go again!
After four years, of thanking my lucky stars, wearing a bikini whenever I want, never feeling the pain and discomfort of bloating, pre-menstrual stress, acne, cramps, etc., I am back to square one.
My previous method of birth control has run its course, took some marrow from my bones, and left me selfish and craving another shot of its sweet hormones. My doctor says no, I scream, "YES!" Give me that shot, so I can go back to being a freak of nature, one who never bleeds, never experiences that once-a-month shell of pain and despondency, wishing I were born a man with a unit hanging between my legs instead of on the inside!
Such complicated creatures we are.
Now I am capable of having children again, is that what this means?
The question baffles me.
More astonishingly, however, is the thought that for four years, a simple shot once a season left me barren and cold, unable to reproduce offspring, while keeping me deflated and elated.
A mere three weeks into my new prescription (subscription to prescription?!), it is back, in its full glory. How can such an enormous change occur so suddenly? Is the human body not a fragile and intricate network of veins, muscles, tissues, organs, and dreams?
How can one element (estrogen, respectively) produce so many emotions and physical changes?
I feel almost as though I've been poisoned. Did not the same rapid changes occur to those affected by Chernobyl?!?!
Am I going mad?
Sweet and calm, my beautiful boyfriend, rushes to the store to buy me PMS meds and feminine napkins. All I do is complain about my sudden onset of femininity. I would rather be a boy and suffer weak bones! |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| Bored, restless, lonely? |
|
|
| 01:28pm 21/01/2008 |
| |
Being unemployed has its perks. Sleeping in, wearing pyjamas all day, drinking coffee in my kitchen at all hours, sleeping on the couch while basking in the sunshine, Facebooking, cleaning random things whenever I want, and generally being lazy.
However, all of these elements have their downside as well. I am bored out of my mind. Yes, I have books to read, things to learn, music to listen to, things to bake, or cook, or clean, and a boyfriend to nag. But what's the point? When you are unemployed you have all the time in the world to accomplish things, to create, to learn, to focus. Yet do we? Negative. We never will. And what will we do when are too old to muster the energy to make at least an hour's worth of a living? We will have no pension, no profit, no health plan or insurance. We are doomed. Or are we? Not having the money or resources others do makes us at least a bit crafty. We save money on things others would not think of. We save things. We become pack-rats, afraid of losing things we really don't cherish but are sure one day we will need. We lose energy but gain time and idiocy.
We compromise for things we cannot afford by saving random useless things we will never need. |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| Sicko |
|
|
| 10:52am 24/10/2007 |
| |
I just returned from the viewing of a movie called "Sicko", a documentary of the American health care system, as analyzed by Michael Moore. While I disagree with Michael Moore's technique and one-sided views, especially when exploring world issues, I must say I was shocked, stunned and generally appalled by the film. While I won't go into too much detail, I will say that I have changed my views on Canada's health care system. While not the best, undoubtedly, in the world, it is far superior to the United States, and we still have a long way to go in improving our system in terms of organization, structure and compensation for both the workers and the patients.
I realize I have taken everything I have been served for granted, and it is very scary to think about paying for prescription drugs, visits to the doctor, the hospital and treatment. Insured under my parents' drug plan, I realize I have it so much easier than many people. While it is not perfect, it was far less than I am paying now (because I was paying nothing before) and in America, they pay for everything. Their insurance won't even cover it!
In the beautiful country of France (now even more beautiful after watching the film!) they pay for NOTHING. They pay heaps in taxes and rent, yes, but everything in their medical history is paid for. Even their nannies are paid for by the government. Schooling is free, and they work less, play more, eat better, smoke fine cigarettes and drink fine wine, and live longer than we do. Amazing, isn't it? It's what everyone has said all along, live your life the way you want. Indulge yourself and cherish every moment. Don't let work and stress control your personal space, and they don't! They love life and are eager to display their joie de vive! Who the Hell wouldn't!? That settles it, I'm moving to France!
This entry is completely stagnant, stale, without any sort of riveting commentary or general enjoyment for reading, so I'll end there and hopefully edit later when I am not so exhausted.
Cheers---bon appetit! |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| A note regarding the most current post and the one before |
|
|
| 12:23pm 29/08/2007 |
| |
I have to say, I was a bit harsh!
Although, not having seen one's boyfriend in five months will definetly make one feel frustrated!
I can't even imagine, to this day, what he went through, what he is still currently going through, and to be honest that scares the crap out of me!
Why doesn't he talk about it?
Why doesn't he want people to know? I know he's trying to be strong, but being silent doesn't equate to strength. Especially with me. I want to help, perhaps he doesn't want help? He's always going on about weaklings, wussies, etc. I am one!
Be one with me!
Nevertheless, I was angry that evening, I had a right to be, but I didn't need to blame Jon for it. He was reacting in a way that was probably the same thing I would have done. I would have brushed it off, said 'fuck you' to anyone who asked about my health, and gone to bed with a wine bottle.
We are alike in so many ways, and yet he continues to tease me! It's as if he can't handle me. In fact I know he can't! ;)
He still finds it necessary to crack jokes because he still cannot comprehend how he can love someone so much. It frightens him. I've learned to let it stop frightening me.
I love him nearly as much as he loves me, but there's a very real difference: I am young. I know that if things were to end in a negative fashion, I would move on and find someone else. Perhaps it would never be as good, perhaps it would never be as wholesome and fantastic as the time I've spent with him. (Actually, I find it hard to believe I would ever have as significant and brilliant a time with anyone as I've had with him). BUT
I would move on.....people do those sorts of things.
He would not.
He would give up, determine that it was his destiny to be unlucky, and miserable, and deem himself a miserable old sod doomed to spend the rest of his life in a dank basement mixing rotten rock tracks for other old rotten people.
Does that sound harsh? It should.
That's why I will never let it happen.
He deserves so much more. So much more than this world can offer him. More than I can offer him, I'm afraid.
He deserves so much better than me. I am simple, he is not. He is worthy of a thousand radiant beams of light shining upon his brilliant brain, infusing it with harmony and soul that will net him success and fortune. He has the capacity for brilliance, and he is nothing less than completely deserving of everything good in this world, but I highly doubt I am the one to bring it to his doorstep.
I am nothing less than silly, and will never be able to bring him success and the fortune he deserves. However, will anyone?
The real question is, are we a fit? I know I'm not good enough for him and he thinks he's not good enough for me, is this GOOD enough to make alifetime of happiness for the two of us?
I've never been more sure of something in my life....I love him, I ADORE him!
And yet I dont think I can make this last forever.
It's the saddest thought I've had in a long, long time.
He's told me the same in the past.
What a terrible feeling.
Let's enjoy it while it lasts, eh?
Kudos.
PS I meant to write earlier that between the time I wrote that angry rant and this post, I spent a lovely four weeks with my beloved in Canada....I've never been happier or more secure in my decision. I would go anywhere with him....at any time. I love him more than anyone in this world, and would die for him in a second...that's what makes all of this so incredibly difficult. |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| Sixteen weeks? |
|
|
| 12:12pm 29/08/2007 |
| |
Four months since my last post?
God, how the time flies. Although, I do realize I hardly ever use this vessel as a reliable means of venting my emotions, or whatever else is floating through my brain at the time.
I know, we both know, that I only use this medium because no one else will ever find it. And if they did, they are probably someone I don't know and couldnt care less about reading my random and twisted thoughts.
Another quick note about my beloved, if you do ever find this cryptic tale of self-indulgence.
We discussed this evening my lack of fondness at remembering last Halloween. I'm sure I've spoken of it here, in this forum, the terrible tale of melodrama that occured last Halloween. While that season remains, to this day, the most beautiful of my entire life, that evening was once I would soon rather forget.
I won't get into it, you know why, but I feel the need to explain my emotions.
I was so upset because I felt, when she barged in, that I had been duped. I was a woman so caught up in the beautiful and tender beginnings of what is still shaping, that I neglected to think that there could be anyone else involved.
Really, what woman does think that? There should never be anyone else involved!
However, when she came in that night, I thought: I've been tricked. I've been used! It was a sickening feeling. Men are often thought of as pigs, and when the occasion calls, a woman is never less than quick to judge a man's character by the circumstances in which he finds himself.
So when she came in, all haughty and full of herself, full of rage, and contempt, and confusion, as I was, I thought, "this is it".
She's here to stay, and I am merely an afterthought. Or merely a prelude to a terrible dramatic scene played out in flesh and blood? Perhaps the rumors were true, and she was something to be considered seriously.
I felt I had been lied to, and deceived. She was more than a roommate, she was a force to be reckoned with.
I was frightened, and still am, of her presence. Her words cut so brutally. So dishonest, so self-indulgent, so vile and evil, that I cannot even repeat the scene here on blog.
I have pushed those awful thoughts from my brain. I am NOT one for walking away from a confrontation, I am one for following it through until the end, until it is resolved, until the person who has done wrong realizes and finds shame or solace in the end result. But not this time.
I left.
Should I have ever come back?
Please God dont let her still be an element in our romance. I couldn't bear it, and I know he couldn't either.
If she ever came back, I think I would kill myself rather than let her destroy what I have built with this man.
I would make her feel guilty forever rather than live the rest of my life in misery. Why should she win? |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| Today |
|
|
| 10:48am 07/05/2007 |
| |
mood:  pissed off
|
Today had actually started out as a good day! I was being productive, elaborate, encouraging, intelligent, blah blah fucking blah.
Then Jon comes online, spreads his depression, and pisses me right the fuck off. I only live for the moment I see him again, and this pushing me away thing is absolutely fucking unreal.
I know he's depressed, but he always has been! I just don't understand what's going on. He's scaring the shit out of me, forcing me to use bad language, actually making me feel bad about myself! I can't believe he's making me feel badly about what I do.
He made a comment about my drinking, my pole dancing. I am just so fucking bored of always being lonely and not having anything to do except homework and drinking.
I don't watch television, there's no movies, there's nothing but conversation and education. I'm slowly demolishing internally.
I keep telling him, I keep complaining, I know, I'm being completely selfish, yet he assures me that's what he wants. He wants to be involved in my daily struggles, my insecurities, my struggles, my incompetence. My struggle to redeem the last semblance of hope I have left.
How did I do this before? How did I honestly go to school, come home, do work, go to work on the weekends and live as if everything was alright?
I desperately need to find work, or a social group to become involved in, or I am simply going to go mad. I cannot rely on Jon anymore. He's too far gone. I feel as though I've lost him for good this time. I feel as if I am never going to see him again.
I can't even take the time to write these thoughts in my beautiful journal they're so random and rapid! It's driving me absolutely INSANE
I WANT TO PUNCH SOMETHING RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!
FUCK SHIT DAMN HELL CHRIST STUPID MOTHER OF GOD BULLSHIT CRAP CHRIST HELL SHIT HELL DAMN CRAP!!!!!! |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| Green Apples |
|
|
| 02:33am 07/05/2007 |
| |
You're toast and jam
You're cotton candy
You're double rainbows, beside a setting sun
You're wood burning outside, and there's a fire glowing
You're sweet as green apples, you must be the one
Bring me to the heart of a golden man
You bring me to the natural truth
Bring me to a silent harbour
Keep me safe in this ocean of youth
Take me to an altar of diamonds
Run with me through sheets of jungle rain
Show me all your manly mysteries
Let me heal your beautiful pain
Be my island in crowds of faces
My oasis, be there
Lead me to the holy waters
Introduce me to the place where you are from
Wherever you go, you know, I will follow
So take me there, and I'll become
your toast and jam
You are cotton candy
You're double rainbows
Beside a setting sun
You're wood burning outside, there's a fire glowing
Sweet as green apples, you must be the one |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| Roomates |
|
|
| 10:09pm 27/04/2007 |
| |
I hate Hate HATE my roommate. |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| Remaining Petrified II |
|
|
| 01:42am 25/04/2007 |
| |
mood:  depressed music: Bright Eyes
|
My life seems to be slowly unravelling, and I can feel the darkness setting in. Jon wants me to move on, and leave him for someone who is healthy and young.
Being this far away does nothing to help convince him or myself that everything will be alright, and I will come home, and begin my life with him. It's not what I want. I want him, here. I want our lives to be lived together, here. If not here, then somewhere else outside of Canada. I have been crying myself to sleep over the course of two weeks in a country where I am supposed to be having the time of my life, and finding myself. Making new friends, new outlooks on life, and new ideas. All of these things have happened, but knowing that he won't be in my life if I choose to stay here is absolutely and totally unacceptable to me.
Allow me to clarify: Jon has been sick for quite some time, with tingling and numbness in his legs and sometimes his hands. Quite frightening, obviously, for a professional musician. You can't land the gig if you can't feel your hands to play the guitar. The doctors are useless and have found nothing, so they have told him basically, to just "deal". Once again, unacceptable to a man who is supposed to be flying to Australia in July. MRI's, shock therapy, x-rays, reaction tests, muscle flexibility, blood work, you name it, he's had it. I am not there....there's nothing more to be said on that. I am not there.
He is completely alone, and now, so am I. I was able to deal with it earlier, brushing off the symptoms as something that would be easily diagnosed and treatable, looking eagerly forward to his arrival in Oz.
Then he told me: not knowing is forcing him to stay. They don't recommend travel. He can't come.
Fine, a solution! I come there, I see him, I spend a month looking at his beautiful face, hopefully giving me enough solace to last the rest of my time here before I make yet another return.
Another setback: no, he doesn't want me to. He wants me to stay, and proceed with original plans. Live my life, enjoy the scenery, forget about him.
Yet he doesn't seem to realize that every day my life is consumed with thoughts of him. I cannot enjoy my time here knowing he is sick in Canada. I cannot sleep, I cannot eat, I cannot breathe with the feeling that I am betraying him. That's exactly what it feels like. Betrayal. Of course it's not, but if I left now I would never forgive myself. I don't care how sick he gets, I want to be there. I don't care how hard it gets, or how lonely and depressing. It would be better than not giving a damn and throwing it all away.
We've been through some serious shit before....I can do it again.
I mentioned the darkness. Yes, it's back. It hasn't been in my life for some time, almost three years, but it's making a triumphant return.
The black wave, as we call it, is beginning to pick up speed and head towards my beach in Wollongong.
I chose not to go out today, on Anzac Day. Sacreligious, almost. Like staying in on St. Patrick's Day. No Two-Up for this girl. I am just too mopey. |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| And I remain petrified |
|
|
| 11:25am 20/04/2007 |
| |
I still can't get over my thoughts.
My thought process, if you will.
I honestly do NOT understand how, after three months of living in an entirely foreign nation so far away from home, I still think about the man I love miles upon miles away every single solitary day.
How does this happen? I knew it would be hard, I had no idea this is what I was in for!
I sincerely (and selfishly, yet honestly) thought that I would be over him in a month or two. I figured I would miss him, then meet someone and get hot and heavy, ready to enjoy my young age in an exciting new place, then leave it all behind at the end of the year.
That's what it's all about, isn't it? Having fun...the most possible while maintaining a youthful exterior?
I had no idea what my life had in store for me.
To put it bluntly, I am completely drowning in love. I have never understood love or it's methods, nor do I understand it now, but I raptured within its elements.
I am in love to the point where other men often repulse me. I simply cannot compare them to the wonder I left behind. He means so much to me that all of my waking thoughts are of him. I imagine him walking towards me at various spots around town. I see his face, his hair, the colour of his skin, and I can just imagine how sensual his scent remains.
I remember everything: the way he moved, the way he felt, the sound of his voice, his laugh, what he said to me. I miss everything.
I miss it so much I am slowly crumbling. I remain strong because I know I will see him again, I am just amazed at myself and my resiliance.
Oh, it's not easy, mind you. Being in a long-distance relationship is probably the worst thing to wish on an enemy.
Yet I have never had it so hard. Or so good. Does that even make sense?
Oh god, what has happened to me? I feel like a teenager again! Unable to cope with the distance placed between us, yet so serious about what I want in this stage of my life that I can still myself running into his arms, caressing his hair, and looking straight into his eyes, reuniting my soul with his eternally.
I can't believe I am saying this, but I envision the whole picture: a wedding, a life together, a white picket fence by the sea, the whole bit.
I feel like such a tool! But I can't help it! He is more than I ever wanted in a man....everything I could possibly hope for. Comforting, supportive, funny, soft, caring, devoted, yet dedicated to his own pursuits.
And he loves me. He REALLY loves me. I've never had anyone be so completely and totally all for me before. Usually I shun this sort of behaviour, but from him it's magic. I relish it, and bathe in its beauty.
I am in love, possibly for the first time. |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| Eating myself sick! |
|
|
| 10:12am 16/04/2007 |
| |
I haven't done this in years!! I have just commenced the disgusting demolition of an entire chocolate bunny given to me by a student. I very well may proceed to vomit aboslutely everywhere at the conclusion of this terrible scene.
Delicious, yet dangerous!! Especially since I am going straight to bed after I finish it!! It will be a sleeping vomitus?
Why did I do it? It started out innocently enough, a piece of chocolate for my high nosh moment...a well earned treat for dieting all day! And doing quite well!
The chocolate took precendence everywhere in my body, not just my mouth, and the games began!
I really am only eating the entire thing now to prove a point. I wish I had this recorded on film! What a disgusting mess I am!
Bon Appetit! |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| Why Am I So Scared? |
|
|
| 09:03am 15/04/2007 |
| |
I haven't spoken to Jon in over a week. Why does that make me nervous? I am worried that he received bad news, and has been coping alone for the past few days. I am also worried he is depressed, sick and lonely, but would never admit it.
Why do I worry so much? My thoughts race so fast I can't even find the accuracy to record them into my journal by hand, I must type them here quickly and painfully. My chair hurts my back, my fingers hurt on this keyboard, and my heart rather hurts I must say.
What shall we do when I return? Will he even be able to come and see me? Can I manage that long without seeing him? I fear desperately that I will have changed my mind and turned into an insensitive bitch by the time I return without seeing him at least once. It is remarkable that he is coming at all, considering the cost, the limited time we were together in Canada, and the health seriousness that he is currently dealing with. I am touched beyond words.
Then there is the question of: what shall happen if he does manage to come? Will I feel the same way as I do now? Has my love actually grown or am I merely imagining the perfection I endured while with him at home. Is it merely puppy love? (Oh how I loathe that term, but cannot come up with a better one.)
Am I placing him on a pedestal because I still do not know that much about him, really? I had basically lived in his home for the two weeks before I left. Did we rush things? I don't think I would have managed to stay this much in love and this intrigued if we hadn't pushed it to the next limit though.
I think I would have been bored by now, not being able to see him and knowing that I am alone here. I could have even kept him a secret, but I did not!
He is rather mysterious to me still, even after everything he's told and shown me about himself. He is very insecure, although he doesn't act so. Rather, tries his best to conceal.
He is highly emotional-(a Cancer, like me!) so I know how easy it is to lose control of a relationship after a short, intense period of time. Perhaps that is my biggest worry, being akin to the notion of fate being presented in the stars as an eternal confirmation, not something to be questioned. I do believe that everything happens for a reason, and that is my only explanation as to why we met when we did, were put through one of the oddest and trying situations of my life, and how I am so internally drawn to him. I still cannot explain that one!
Why am I so incredibly drawn to this man? He is still somewhat of an enigma, something I cannot explain yet cannot ignore. He is unbelievably unselfish, and willing to accept responsibility with grace and calm for every situation. That is something of which I am absolutely incapable of rendering. I have tried, however, and feel I am much improved. Yet only because of Jon has that happened.
He has changed me, not so much for a definition of better or worse, but in a way I never thought I could take notice of. I have grown, perhaps more refined, yet undeniably happy and mostly fun to be around. I have taken charge of my life, and defined its parameters and abilities.
It is a keen area.... |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| Walking around Wollongong and the piano that made me sad |
|
|
| 09:01am 04/04/2007 |
| |
Walking home from unimovies, and still a little high and confused from Babel, I decided to wander (stray perhaps?) around the lovely village of Gwynneville. I had to know what the beautiful lights stemming from the trees in the mountain were coming from, what the sizes of the houses were, what it looked like from up there....I walked along what seemed to be an extravagantly wide residental street, admiring the houses left and right.
Gazing at one house, low set and seeming to be of two floors, I peered inside the open front door and stopped dead in my tracks. There it was: an ebony shine on a beautiful upright piano. The walls of deep crimson complimenting its lustre and prominence in the front entrance. It was adorned with tasteful black and white photographs, a modern vase, and random tokens of everyday comfort; a set of keys, a notebook, perhaps some sunglasses. I could only stare and imagine myself sitting there, in exuberance, playing something, anything! Just to hear it play.
I could suddenly see myself sitting there, with friends all around, drinks flowing, playing some gaudy showtune from long ago, carousing and hollering for more drinks while I tickle the ivories and entertain my guests.
That's what I always did, it's what I do. I'm the girl in the background, playing to fill the awkward silence. I enjoy it. It's what I did back home, at all of my parties. People loved it. I loved it. I loved hearing their off-key belts twinged with beer or wine or spirits. I loved hearing the forgotten lines replaced with chants or moans or simply giggles.
It was always me, trying to remain sober and focused (mostly focused) enough to play whatever they requested. It was always the Beatles, always Number Ones. Always She Loves You, followed by Eleanor Rigby (always for Ashley) and then my own favourite, Lady Madonna. It was the only really impressive tune I knew. The only impressive piano melody they ever included....or perhaps I am mistaken.
Hopefully their complete collection will arrive soon.
After the initial shock of the piano, the next house took me by complete surprise. My mouth dropped as I admired the gorgeous sunroom, with wicker chairs and full length glass windows to let everyone admire the gorgeous living room with elegant lighting and high windows. My admiration of such a lovely street, such a lovely neighbourhood, lovely view, and such a gorgeous house turned to sadness and desperate, pathetic staring as I realized it was MY house. My dream house. The one I let slip away. The snakes stole it, and were in the kitchen, cutting up a cereal box. No doubt for some stupid primary project that the kids won't enjoy anyway.
I don't mean that, i just needed to get it off my chest. I didn't think about how much I actually longed to be in that house. I had pushed it out of my mind, and tried to focus and remain on the positive. I guess my strategy worked, because I haven't thought about that beautiful house until tonight when I stood face to face with it in all of its beautiful scenery.
I miss that house, and I've spent a grand total of twenty minutes in it.
It made me weep, because I thought not only of myself, but of Jon in that house. Then I started thinking about Jon and I period. In this town, in this state, in this country, in this hempishphere. It's been over two months and I miss him more every day.
I don't know what I'm going to do when it's his turn to leave.
After that beautiful mourning of ten minutes, I shook it off, turned up the volume and continued on my journey.
I passed by a park I pass nearly every day, a small but beautiful park with swings and slides for the children, with lots of shade.
I couldn't help myself, my impulse was too grand, and I hopped on the swing and let the wind and stars and Australian moon transport me to a beautiful moment in time that can never be repeated. Although I will certainly try.
I don't care how silly I looked, how daft or drunk or high people who walked past were thinking I was, it felt phenomenal.
It was potentially one of the happiest moments I've had here. All alone, with the sky beckoning for me to get closer and closer until I could almost touch the silvery moon. And how it shone! |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| |
|
|
| 09:16am 20/03/2007 |
| |
Well it's been two months since I arrived here in Wollongong, and I'm already starting to feel sick. Homesick, that dreaded word! It really hit me today when I realized I have no where to go, if I want to leave the house I literally have nowhere to go, everything closes at five pm, and I have no car! I am usually stuck in the house doing lesson plans until the wee hours of the morning with nothing but my laptop for company. I can't even sit in the livingroom, unless I want to watch absolutely horrendous television shows with a roommate I cannot stand. I crave movement above all else, and when I sit in the exact same position for nearly six hours at a time I start to twitch, I hear voices, I think I am losing my mind! It's the guilt of not enjoying the beautiful weather, not being adventurous to just walk around town, not having the resources or energy to just hit the mall, the beach or a cafe to explore the city. Also it's about not having the time. I get home from school and it's lesson planning, lesson planning, lesson planning. While I enjoy the experience of research, learning about effective teaching strategies and the like, I need to learn time management and organizational skills so I dont sit here on the floor of my room in Wollongong, paying god-knows-how-much per minute to waste time on Facebook! I need to be reading, learning, researching effectively. And I don't feel I am doing that.
Now that it's Wednesday, I think my week is through.
|
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| Stood up?!....Me? |
|
|
| 11:09pm 04/01/2007 |
| |
Siiiigh, yes it happens.
Tonight, sadly.
I have absolutely no idea what happened, but I haven't heard from my date since I last saw him at work.
No answer on the phone, nor a reply to the text.
Very discomforting.
I know there's probably a very good reason involved, but all I can think about is my unhappiness.
Humans are fragile creatures. The first time we are told to expect something, it is exciting and we are full of anticipation. The second and third times are just as thrilling, and the thought of it becoming routine is a keen notion.
After that, expectation becomes routine, and we, as fickle humans, become accustomed to having our way and wallowing in our fragile and time-is-of-the-essence happiness.
So now, for me, that happiness has been disrupted by forces unknown! (Although I grudgingly admit I have a terrible suspicion what's happened, and I hope desperately that I am wrong)
Now here I am, worried about what's happened, and angry with myself, but more so him, for a ruined evening.
I am more upset with the thought that I am leaving this country in 17 days, not to return for at least one full year. He promised to devote moments such as this evening to me, for the benefit of a comfortable and slow goodbye, an effort to ease the pain of a shocking seperation.
These moments are as rare as pink diamonds, and I'm starting to feel as though I have to keep tabs on him just to make sure he follows through.
I'm not sure this is what he really wants. Am I pressuring him into spending time with me? We don't have much time left, and he assured me this is what he wanted. Quality time before I left, so that when I am gone he will devote his newly acquired free time to important artistic projects and a much-needed vacation.
Now I've gone and made myself fraught with confusion, suspicion and grief.
Should I worry at all? I do, I do, there's nothing to be done but sit here and wail....chastising myself for being so foolish. Yet this is human nature.
We worry. We love. We are jealous. We are suspicious.
Yesterday he said to me he would like to think he sees me clearly. He doesn't, and I think he sadly realizes that.
I know I definetly don't see him clearly.
I have no idea what he's thinking most of the time. I know he has a philosopher's mind, so his ideas are calculated, formulated, analyzed and pondered endlessly. Mine are sporadic and totally spontaneous. I very rarely think things through. Expect when they REALLY matter. Which is where he comes in.
My love.
Where are you?
I shall sit alone, in the dark with a glass of wine and Kahlil Gibran, and wait for you. Typical. |
|
| |
|
Read 1 - Post |
| |
| Leaving soon....anxious, nervous, sad |
|
|
| 05:57am 02/01/2007 |
| |
Hello again
You would not believe how much has occured in such a short span of time. I have learned more about myself and my strengths as an individual in the past week than I could possibly have realized on my own in possibly the span of a year.
There is a problem with revealing insights into a personality, however. The flaws.
I am fragile. I will break. I will collapse into a foolish fit of tears on a plane bound for L.A. on January 21 at approximately 1800 hours.
Why, oh why did this happen now? NOW?
Why couldn't I have started working at the school earlier?
Why did he have to fall in love with me? Why does he have to be so goddamned charming?
Why, why, why. There is a reason, I know it. This WILL make me stronger, if only I could find the courage to appreciate the opportunity I have been given. I have been blessed with love, kindness and luxury, not just in the past while, but in my life as a whole.
I was unable to understand or accept this love when I was younger, due to mental issues, but slowing down, looking around this room full of boxes and memories, I realize that I very well may be the luckiest person I know.
I am intelligent, I have wonderful friends, a superior family in every way, my health, my smile and my ability to make others laugh.
I enjoy the company of people who enjoy mine, which is something I was never able to experience until the later years of my life.
I am blessed with the love of a man who is far more experienced, wise, stable(?) and beautiful in every sense than I.
He exudes a sense of wordly influence and calm, much like the Dalai Lama. He is patient and humourous. Quite frankly I will never understand why he was drawn to me.
The first time I ever saw him, he struck me as an overwhelming presence. I was thoroughly intimidated by him. He spoke so well, and held himself with so much confidence, I was sure he would be a pompous jerk. Terrible, isn't it?
However, the first time he spoke to me was in the form of a joke, and I knew then that he was a good person. He came to my rescue merely one week after I started work, saving me from a parent who couldn't understand why I couldn't accomodate her son's request for electronic keyboard lessons.
He would walk me to my car, something no one has ever done before. It is a simple gesture, one that he was probably raised with, as a form of good manners and common civility. It is absolutely foreign to me. No man besides my father or perhaps a limo driver has consistently opened the door for me.
We would chat, and I would feel like a ninny for the things I said....stupid comments about piano gigs at the theatre, trying to make myself sound busy and important.
The interesting thing is that after a short while, it was obvious he liked me, and not just to me. But he is so SHY. He would say nothing, do nothing...it became a game I would play to see if he would make a move. He never did.
S.G. was the breaking point. In all honesty, her jealousy and rage that I am in the picture is what drove him to tell me he loved me.
This is getting VERY sentimental, but I will go on anyway. I remember with absolute clarity the day he told me.
I stayed at his house until an ungodly hour. We laid on his basement floor, me wondering when the hell he was going to say something involving us. Instead we killed time talking about a weird stain on the ceiling and making up stupid yet entertaining things to say because neither of us wanted to go anywhere, we just enjoyed eachother's company. We both knew how stupid we can be, staying up so late and talking about absolutely nothing. Sidenote: when he's very tired he can be quite cute, and lets his inhibitions slip ever so slightly.
I left and he accompanied me to my car, of course! There was frost, and I wrote my name on my car windshield. Our goodbye was a lengthy one, and again I played the waiting game of ..."now?" ...."now?" Do I say something or just wait? I often chide him for his shyness but in all honesty I am just as chickenshit!
By the time I left, school children were walking to their classes, and I texted him to ask what the hell we were doing.
He wrote back that something interesting happened upon his re-entry into the house, I of course would have no inclination of anything being wrong!
I went to work, bleary-eyed and delerious with a prospect of seeing him again.
I vowed never to sleep if it meant that's how I had to see him.
He left me three voicemails, in succession, one about how he HAD to talk to me (of course this was after an evening where he said the same and said absolutely nothing!), then another about the same thing, and then finally, the clincher. He couldn't wait any longer, he HAD to profess, through a machine, that he was in love with me. I could hear the despondency in his voice, as if he knew that that statement would cause nothing but trouble for everyone involved. My reaction was absolute shock, naturally. I yelped and covered my mouth with my hand while my co-worker stared at me and mouthed: "Are you ok?" I made some sort of flailing motion with my arm and just kept saying...."buh....buh!"
Yes, I know it makes no sense. Like something out of a movie, perhaps.
It was one of the happiest moments of my entire life. It took me hours to call him back, I was shaking.
Now, here I am, writing this incredibly long and long-winded entry into my stupid online diary, which is not safe I know, but quite frankly I have omitted names and places that would give the game away, hopefully.
Edmund, if you ever read this, I want you to know that I keep this online diary because writing in my actual diary takes some time, and my brain works through its memories at a rather rapid pace, far too quick for my hand and legible penmanship.
I write on here because I'm so excited with the thought of having you in my life, let alone being in a relationship with you, that I type at a furious pace, trying to record details that have made these past three months the happiest, most confusing, trying, and desperate moments of my life.
I think it's wonderful.
Difficult, but wonderful.
Everything happens for a reason.
Always trust yourself.
Forget regret, or life is yours to miss.
I love you |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| My life is unbelievably fraught with dangerous emotion |
|
|
| 04:35am 15/12/2006 |
| |
|
music: Chet Baker, highly inappropriate
|
I don't know when or how I became so strong. I really am quite amazed at how I am dealing with all of this.
Psycho lady shows up at the music school's Christmas recital. Why? Who knows. My heart broke as soon as I recognized her cheap shoes in the dark of the parking lot.
I knew I would never be rid of her. She would always be there: waiting, watching, hounding. My hands began to shake and I put down my tea, plastered on my best fake smile and avoided his gaze for the evening.
I was absolutely heartbroken. He promised me he would deal with it, he would get lawyers involved, whatever needed to be done. I promised myself if this ever happened again, I was gone. Free to wallow in my own misery, but strong in my solitude.
I was absolutely wrong. I stuck to my guns, broke it off, and promptly broke down.
As much as she has destroyed my immediate future, I have destroyed my own soul by refusing to see his side, his wounded and anguished heart.
I have ignored the cardinal aspect of this drama: why we got together in the first place. It wasn't her, it was us. There will always be forces threatening to destroy a couple and their happiness. In our case it was her, and quite possibly the music school's "no-dating" policy.
At first I shrugged it off, a case of a jealous and dramatic ex-girlfriend who was just mad that I was coming over and stealing the heat.
Things became much more serious, as we know. Well, you don't, and I don't wish to reveal any of the dark aspects of that terrible scene on a computer.
Those moments will remain forever scarred into my brain, as much as I would like to forget, they will never disappear.
The point is, I was a fool. I am leaving for a foreign land far, far away in less than five weeks, I knew I was leaving, I had many chances to deal with this in a far more rational manner, and I didn't.
He tried to prevent this, he told me he was on guard, on moral alert, but we both knew our feeling ran much too deep to prevent anything serious from occuring.
I am absolutely in love with him, and while I do not profess to feeling this for the first time, I can honestly say I have never been in such a serious and complex situation.
I have never been so swept away, carried away by my emotions, desperate to merge my anxious actions with his, and so emotional at the thought of it ending.
This is probably the most delicate and fragile situation I've ever found myself in, yet I managed to screw it up almost immediately. Typical me.
I don't know how things will progress this evening. I have apologized, but not in person. I bared my soul two evenings ago, with absolutely no success on my part. However, I can't say I blame him. How does one deal with a sobbing woman who has lost control?
Tonight I apologize in person, dry-eyed and clear-headed, hopefully.
Perhaps it will not happen that way. I have no way of knowing. Anything.
I only know that my heart needs mending, and he is the only one who is able to perform that task. |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| The Coldness of Hearts |
|
|
| 05:55pm 06/12/2006 |
| |
So many things have happened since I last wrote, and while I am not a fan of this LiveJournal, I find I must do something to occupy my mind while I sit here twiddling my thumbs at work. I remain inactive, stagnant, unmoving, while the apples and green tea I consume work their way through my intestines. Sllloooowwwwllyy.
Life has taken a delightful, yet difficult turn. I remain solidly committed to my decision of becoming involved with someone only a few short months before I leave for a year to Australia, yet I know the date becomes closer and closer, and I cannot even think about the emotional state I will be in on January 21.
The events thus far:
October 28--words of complete honesty and profoundness emerge, shocking me and beginning this adventure of love.
October 31--hmmmm maybe I shouldn't go there. Let's just say someone else becomes involved, albeit unwelcomingly, and threatens to push me out of the picture. It's not as it sounds (or reads I suppose), but I really don't care to elaborate. Let's just say some women are completely irrational and should be tied in a straitjacket.
November: continues with more of the same, relationship grows, trust deepens and intense feelings are revealed both emotionally and physically.
Nov 12: An Evening of Opera with Russell Braun, of which I am a performer in the chorus. He bought a ticket (an expensive one!), melting my heart and warming my soul. Not to mention boosting my ego. He lives in a hotel room for several nights (once again, let's not go there) leading to a delightful evening of making fun of drunk teenagers attending a wedding and pipe music.
Nov 16: United Way Brampton Eyedol--I win! He attends, finding out the date time and location and once again shows me his support and admiration.
Nov 18: Santa Claus Parade--I am playing on the City of Brampton float, freezing my fingers off, singing Let It Snow! and he texts me to tell me I look wonderful sitting at my flashy piano.
I am continually amazed by his committment and sweetness.
November 30: crazy lady is back, after moving out of the house, she decides to stalk my new beau and threaten us in a restaurant. Needless to say I am not impressed, and threaten legal action. More sordid tales on that to be seen I am sure.
December: he buys me a gift! Unbelievable!
More to come.... |
|
| |
|
Read 1 - Post |
| |
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
beez_r_scary's journal